Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
