I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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