someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
BRING THE BAGELS
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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