I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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