I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
