Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
