If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
