at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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