the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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