dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
