the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
