apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
