Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
