God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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