We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
