"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
