And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
