so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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