I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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