I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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