I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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