It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
