you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
