It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
