I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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