she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
