you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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