My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
