i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
