Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm too high and old for this...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
