My cat gives me a boner
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
