Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
