my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
