I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
