I faked an abortion last night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
