I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
