So drunk its hurt
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
