Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My dick has a subreddit
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
