She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
