Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
