No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
