Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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