Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
