gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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