just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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