Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
