Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
