I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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