Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i will never coherently bang her
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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