margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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