Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
